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Men Who Have
Affairs and How to Recover From Them
Copyright (c) 2006 Steve B. Reed
Psychotherapy Center
http://www.psychoth erapy-center. com
Imagine that you have just found out that your man, the love of
your life is having an affair. How would you feel? How would
you deal with this situation? Therapists frequently help people
as they come to terms with such a painful event. Usually in
shock, frequently overwhelmed with hurt or anger and their
relationship in crisis people come to therapy seeking to resolve
the trauma of betrayal. In addition to being full of emotion,
they are often full of questions. "What type of man would do
this to me? I thought I knew him." In my years in private
practice, I have seen several different profiles of men who have
affairs:
1)The Sex-Addict: This type of man is a true addict. He is out
of control in his life. He is medicating his emotional pain with
sexual activity. His exploits and sexual infidelity are a big
part of how he creates excitement. He will never be monogamous
with you or anyone until he gets into recovery for his problem.
2) The Grass Is Greener Guy: This man usually marries young and
has always wondered about other women. He may be questioning,
"is this all there is for me in life?" His marriage may have
become more of a to-do list than a shared joy. At a vulnerable
moment, he may turn to another woman trying to fill his emptiness
or boredom. He may confuse Eros or romantic infatuation with
real love. He can benefit from therapy himself and the marriage
may be salvageable if the couple seeks help.
3) The Angry Man Acting Out: This man is very angry with his
partner. He may have saved up enough hurt or anger for a guilt
free affair. He may also set it up so that his woman finds out
so that she feels as hurt or angry as he does. This emotional
time bomb usually blows the marriage up. This man needs to find
constructive ways to deal with his anger and the problems in his
relationship.
4) The Dead Relationship Guy: The love has died in his
relationship but he will not bury it. He may stay in it for the
kids or other reasons but look elsewhere for love he needs.
5) The Unhappy and Sabotaging Type: This man is unhappy in his
relationship. However, he will feel guilty if he leaves.
Therefore, he may try unconsciously to sabotage the relationship
with an affair so that his mate will leave.
6) The Too Happy and Sabotaging Type: Some people stumble into a
great relationship but then at a psychological level do not feel
they deserve it. They are out of their comfort zone. Their
ulterior agenda is to get back into their element. They usually
find someone to have an affair with who helps them to feel
unhappy. This is what they are most familiar with at a
psychological level. This destroys their happy home and lets
them recreate a relationship that feels more like the unhappy
home of their childhood.
7) The Non-Monogamous Family Tradition: This man saw his father
have affairs and knew his grandfather did also. The verbal and
nonverbal messages in his family were that affairs were OK. As
the twig is bent, so the tree grows.
8) The Criminal Thinker: This man has no conscience, no morals
and no values. He is a professional liar and user of people. He
is preoccupied with being one-up and getting away with something.
He has no guilt or shame although he may be a good enough actor
to fake the performance. He sees people as things.
9) The Scared of Engulfment Type: He equates closeness with
pain. If he gets too close, he may need to create some distance.
An affair will certainly do that. Affairs have devastating
effects on relationships. They destroy trust and often the
relationship too. The betrayed partner feels emotionally
traumatized. Even if she divorces, this trauma can result in
suspicion, irrational mistrust and generalized anger toward other
men that she may date in the future.
The other question that
women frequently ask is, "How can I recover from his affair?"
First, one must deal with the shock and trauma of betrayal.
There are new therapeutic methods that can help people resolve
such pain faster than ever before. A therapist who is skilled
with an approach such as the REMAP process, EFT (Emotional
Freedom Techniques) or Eye Movement Desensitization and
Reprocessing (EMDR) can help.
Next, the grief and sense of loss
must be resolved. Whether it is the loss of the relationship or
the loss of trust for your partner, this is an important part of
healing. The feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment will
need attention. If your current partner has the profile of a
repeat offender, it is important to develop the skills to pick
someone else who is likely to be faithful. Finally, whether you
stay with your partner or not, it is crucial to develop the type
of skills that help relationships remain strong enough to deter
affairs.
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Steve B. Reed, LPC, LMSW, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist
who helps people resolve relationship pain and to discover how to
find and keep the loving relationship they desire. His office is
in the Dallas area but he provides phone counseling worldwide. You
can reach Steve at 972-997-9955 or through his website at
http://www.psychoth erapy-center. com
copyright 1998, Steve B. Reed
How to stop cheating -- Does Your man want
to stop cheating -- or do You want to help a man stop cheating & lying?
Here are some tools that can help:
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