How to Stop Your Breakup - How to Cope With
a Failing Marriage :
Okay so you are on the verge of breaking up,
and desperately want to stop it -- possibly because you have realized that
you really love your partner, husband or wife or due to some other reasons
that are not even very clear to yourself.
1. Slow down and back off - give each other
breathing space -- take a few days break away from each other -- undergo a
temporary separation,
probably
both of you go and take a short vacation away from each other - with
no phone calls o no contact during this period, this separation is
time to be spent on reflection -- think about both the positive side of
your partner as well as the negative sides - the things that irritate you
- probably get a journal notebook and start noting the various qualities
and 'negative habits' -- here obviously you will be noting down your own
perspective of things -- you will be writing down things from your on
point of understanding or your own view of things,
2. next you might want to consider viewing
things from your partners point of view -- what do you think your partner
thinks or behaves in that way -- what are his or her reasons from his or
her point of view why does he or she think so or do so? after all there
must be a reason why your partner is behaving the way he/she is behaving.
During this reflection period you should be
able to clearly note:
-
What the bones of contention are between you
two - do you have any suspicions about your relationship, is their
jealousy, is it lying, or cheating, or money problems, or one partner is
trying to control, manipulate or even violate the other?
-
What irritates you about your partner
-
What are his/her positive qualities -- the
things that brought you together initially
-
In what way are you reinforcing the points
of contention? Are you unknowingly the cause of the problems -- are you
in some way driving your partner to react in the way that he/she is
reacting.
-
In your opinion what are the changes you
want to see made in your relationship
-
On your part what are the changes you are
willing to make in your own attitude or behaviors to adjust and resolve
the problems between you two.
3. Why do you want to repair the
relationship or stop your break up: what are your reasons?
-
Is it because you consider it right for you
to remain together?
-
Is it because you love your partner?
-
is it because you have children or you
think it is in the best interest of your family?
-
Or is it because you are holding on to the
relationship because of the fear of break up what others will
say, or the fear of being left alone, or the fear of not being able to
support yourself financially or emotionally?
-
Or is it because you
are emotionally charged and your ego is not considering letting go of the
relationship - you want to control your partner, you want to hold him
emotional hostage, you want to make him/her feel responsible, feel shame,
feel sorry, you want to make him /her come crawling back to
you begging for forgiveness...
Here you have to separate your ego self from
you spiritual self, and then figure out what you really want?
Do you
really want to continue in the relationship or in your heart deep down you
secretly wish to break away and get a new life for yourself but feel the
need to 'do the right thing' and hence continue in the relationship -
-
Remember, you are under no obligation to continue in a relationship just
because it 'is the right thing to do' or is 'what is expected of you by
others'.
Remember, however strong the social reasons for you two to stay
together, you absolutely must not submit to abuse or violence of any kind,
you need to respect yourself, only then you can expect your partner to
respect you .
Once you have done that inner reflection --
you now need to get back with your partner
- Try to see things from your partners
perspective.
Try to be accomodative but not
submissive or don't go overboard trying to 'please' - Be yourself, but do
not try to control o enforce your own ideas or opinions on the
other -- Don't nag or accuse or abuse or be violent
yourself.
4. once you are back- you need to schedule
some time to talk and really discuss your relationship with your
partner -- figure out what is the 'give and take' both of you are willing
to do to bring your relationship back on again. what s important to
both of you in the relationship? what are the activities you need to do
together, what are the things you need to do alone,
-
Try to respect each others points of
view,
-
Don't overstep each others personal
'boundaries'
-
Both of you need some alone personal time
even when together.
-
Both of you need to be able to express
yourselves and do your own things.
-
You must not overstep each others personal
freedoms
-
Do not try to please, be submissive or
assertive, on the other hand be yourself and expect your partner to fulfill
his/ her side of the deal.
Be understanding. Don't stick to the rules.
Be spontaneous. Be a team -- work for the interest of the 'family team'.
Put more positive energy into your relationship, and you will find it grow
positively. Take a leap of faith and listen to
Self
Help Audio CD's ,
because they work.
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