Coping with a
BREAKUP
Marriage Separation and Divorce Advice
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Break Up & Divorce: Should You Condemn
Yourself To A Bad Relationship Because Of Religion And Guilt?
By: Dan And Jennifer
If you're in a bad marriage and are really
unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?
This is not a cut and dry decision as there
are many factors to consider. We're about to step outside the box and ask
you to question beliefs that you may have never thought to question
before. In other words, have an open mind as you read the rest of this
article.
Background - Is this a bad relationship?
Imagine the following scenario...
I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He
also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left
this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to
him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just
heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn't unfaithful,
but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even
though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.
Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and
move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had
wanted - Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly,
but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with
me.
I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for
around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I
knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us.
We were doing everything together and I was so happy.
S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to
get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had
done to me before. He said he had
found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man.
He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had
changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I
finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me
telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty .
Should she take her husband back or stay with her new found love? What
would you do?
Love and Fear
While this is a very emotional situation, you should not allow yourself to
feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make
their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. Be
understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make
yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.
You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is
where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty .
There is no right or wrong choice in life
because we grow from each experience - some choices just work better for
us than others. Even the ones that didn't work out quite like you hoped
provide the opportunity to grow.
Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we
don't want. Try to learn from past experiences so that you don't keep
repeating them over and over. The Universe, or God, seems to keep sending
you the same situation or experience until you learn the lesson that you
need to learn from that specific experience. In other words, patterns keep
repeating until you get it right.
Our emotional scale has two extremes - love and fear. In every situation -
ask yourself if you're acting out of love or fear, and always try to act
out of love. Now that doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you...
You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of
your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure
that you're not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy,
revenge or any other negative emotion.
Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember
what I said in the beginning - You can only control your responses, not
theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a
negative emotion, that's their decision and you can't control what they
do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.
Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not
all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately
responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so
that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life
on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here
you take care of YOU.
Religion and Guilt
When you choose to get advice from a religious counselor, remember that he
is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to
follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but
may also be based on control and trying to make the followers act and
behave in a manner the religion deems appropriate.
Forgiveness, however, is the most powerful tool that you have in this
life. I believe there's a quote that goes something like...
"Forgiveness is God's gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven" - something
like that. It's very true because when you forgive someone you let go of
all the negative emotions
around that situation whether or not the other person even knows that you
forgave them.
This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not
necessarily have your best interest in mind. His main concern is that you
follow the rules of the church, whether you're happy or not. And I believe
that we are all here to experience happiness.
The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They
tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the
Bible? I can't find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be
miserable to be good people.
My interpretation of Jesus' teachings and the Bible is that we should love
and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life
unconditionally because life is perfection.
Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which
have been translated by many different writers with many different
perceptions through many different languages over
thousands of years - and then tells us to follow their rules or go to
Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that
many people put themselves through each and every day.
"Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves."
We don't need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as you
come from a place of love and acceptance, you'll always make the right
decisions. I've never known a truly spiritual person who judges or
condemns another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us -
that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny
island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean ... OK, enough ranting on modern
religion...
In Summary
If you find yourself in a similar situation,
-- Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
-- Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You've heard
the old saying to walk a mile in another's shoes before judging them.
Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes and they have no
right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
-- Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that
others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only
then will you truly be happy.
-- It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your
responsibility to make yourself happy.
About The Author: Get your questions answered at
http://www.AskDanAn dJennifer. com - Dating, Relationships, Love, and
Great Sex. Articles, Videos, Tips, and Advice.
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How to Deal with
CHEATING
in Marriage or Relationship:
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