Assertiveness Training: Be Assertive and Take
Charge of YOUR Life!
Copyright (c) 2007 Sharif Khan
Psychology of the Hero Soul
http://www.herosoul.com/
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
Are you sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and having people walk
all over you? If you answered yes, read on...
It's time you learn
to assert yourself by respecting and honoring your personal and professional
boundaries. It is important that you do so because if you can't look out for
yourself, nobody else will.
We have all at one time or another experienced
boundary violations from friends, relatives, or co-workers be it intentional or
unintentional. Such encounters can become very uncomfortable and difficult to
deal with, especially when dealing with people you know intimately. How can you
stop the cycle of abuse and take control of your life?
It starts with self-honoring and self-respect.
Know yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses, know what you stand for and
what you don't stand for, know your boundaries. As the Greeks once said, "Know
thyself and you will know the Gods and the universe."
Be aware of your physical, emotional, and social boundaries in the different
areas of your life including personal, professional, family, and relationships.
Take the time to honestly communicate with boundary violators letting them know
in no uncertain terms that you don't appreciate being treated in a certain way
and will not tolerate it. Different circumstances will call for different ways
of dealing with such issues depending on your work, your personality, and the
situation.
For example, Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date) is a Toronto sex therapist who
does the lecture circuit on sexual relationships and driving one's lover wild in
bed. As you can imagine, she is having her boundaries violated all the time.
Many people assume, wrongly, that because she is a public figure and authority
on sex that they have the right to make sexual innuendos and inappropriate
remarks.
If that weren't bad enough, some deranged people think they actually have the
right to have sex with her!
One such person walked up to her after she finished delivering her seminar and
bluntly stated he wanted to have sex. She laughed and quickly brushed him off by
saying, "My seminar was about driving YOUR own lover wild in bed...not me...I
have my own husband!" In her profession, Dr. Date finds humor and a sharp, quick
wit to be most effective.
One time, somebody had physically grabbed her. In response, she kneed him right
in the crotch! This person wasn't too bright and asked a stupid follow-up
question, "Why did you do that for?" She responded with, "You touched my ass, I
touched your crotch!"
In Rebecca's case, because of the nature of her profession, she chooses to
respond to verbal abuse in a verbal way and physical abuse in a physical way.
But violators beware! Not only is this type of behavior socially inappropriate,
it's just plain stupid; you can end up with a court order, a life-debilitating
lawsuit, or some serious jail time.
People who continually violate their friend's boundaries need to back off and
smarten up. It's a recipe for disaster, ultimately ruining the relationship that
has taken so long to build. We all have friends who love to give advice but
seldom follow it themselves. Gone too far, they begin telling you what to do
with your life. These people feel that because they are your friends, they have
the right to tell you what to do and try to change you. And if you don't change
and do what they tell you, they take it personally.
Friends who commit such relationship sins should wake up and smell the coffee.
My message to them is, "Stop! Take a long look in the mirror and realize that
the only person that can change is YOU! Stop trying to take out the speck of
dust from your neighbor's eye and remove the plank from your own!" Make a top
ten list of how you may be violating other people's boundaries and work towards
eliminating these bad habits from your life.
If you feel you are a victim of such 'boundary hunters', you need to sit down
with such friends and explain to them honestly what you are feeling and how you
want to be treated in such circumstances. You might start by saying something to
the following effect: "I don't like it when you keep telling me what I need to
do with my life. Sometimes as a friend I just want to confide in you and feel
supported. I'm not looking for advice, just some understanding and empathy."
Should this pattern of boundary crossing abuse continue unabated, then I would
strongly advise that you exercise respect for yourself by ending the
relationship and moving on.
"But what if this person happens to be my boss?" you might ask. "Won't it
jeopardize my job and future opportunities for promotion?" My answer to this
question is a direct one: regardless of whether it's a family member, friend,
co-worker, or even employer, if you don't like the way you are being treated
stand up for yourself and say so! Have the courage to confront whoever it is who
is crossing your boundaries and exercise your right to be treated as a free and
intelligent human being; even if this means terminating the relationship,
leaving, or getting fired from your job. You don't deserve to be continually
mistreated in any situation. In fact, in many cases the person being confronted
will have a new found respect for you when you show enough backbone and courage
and stand up for who you are.
As a case in point, Janick Leonard, now a professional Network Marketer, served
as a waitress ten years ago for a trendy Mont-Tremblant restaurant. The owner
had a big anger management problem and would constantly scream and publicly chew
out his employees in public. One day he chewed her out for no apparent reason
and started calling her names and verbally abusing her in front of clients. She
quit her job right on the spot and left, setting an example to those who kept
taking the abuse.
"I couldn't handle being treating like that," she writes. "He crossed my
boundaries and I decided I would never let anyone treat me this way ever again."
It's probably one of the best decisions she has ever made. After she quit, she
wrote a letter to the owner expressing how she felt and letting him know that
all the employees felt the same way, creating awkward tension and resentment
whenever he was around the restaurant. The employees were pretending to like him
while the truth was that everyone was talking behind his back, and Janick
expressed this in her letter to the owner. As a result, this letter changed the
way the owner treated his employees from then on.
But that's only half the story. Janick jubilantly writes, "After a couple of
years, I sat with my ex-boss and we made peace. He hired me again for another of
his restaurants and I worked for him and his partner for 3 years while I was
studying fashion in college. Our relationship has been straightforward,
authentic, and based on respect... It still is today."
If you honor and respect yourself, and treat others with the same dignity you
would want to be treated with, your whole life will change for the better. From
this day forward, promise to assert yourself, take a stand for your personal
freedom, and never let anybody continue to cross your boundaries ever again!
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Sharif Khan (
http://www.sharifkhan.blogspot.com ) is a copywriter and
communications specialist, inspirational keynote speaker, and author of
the leadership bestseller, "Psychology of the Hero Soul." (
http://www.herosoul.com
). He publishes his monthly Hero Soul ezine for cutting-edge advice on success,
leadership, and personal growth. To contact Sharif Khan about his business
writing, coaching, or motivational speaking services, call 416-417-1259.
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